Author Archives: Michael Calderwood

Reluctant Samaritan

30 Tuesday Apr 2024

Posted by in Communicating, Homelessness, Living Our Values, Social Responsibility, Words matter

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A visit to the doctor turned into a bout of self-examination.

Appointment Day

The late April Friday was cool and windy. My wife and I headed out to our medical appointments in San Luis Obispo, a reasonable and beautiful drive from our Cambria home.

My session was a follow-up for a recurring problem common to men of a certain age.

I checked in a few minutes before my 3:15 pm appointment and was soon escorted to an exam room. As I started down the hall, I heard a familiar voice prattling away – a voice that caused me to duck my head and turn away quickly. It was a voice of a man I had come to know over the previous few weeks.

And here he was, sharing a confusing explanation for his lateness in getting to the office. 

Simon

My first encounter with Simon was not great. He had come into the business center agitated and demanding. It was difficult to figure out what he wanted, and the more I tried, the more combative he became. After a few tense exchanges, it became evident that the whole situation was headed towards the shredder. I’m usually able to work with difficult people, but not that day. Thankfully, a cooler head intervened, defused Simon, and figured out what he wanted.

I later learned that he had a reputation for being aggressively hostile, becoming more disagreeable as he aged. Is he experiencing an acceleration of decline? Perhaps.

Over the ensuing weeks, he came back to the store and was, for the most part, calm and a bit contrite. His confusion seemed more evident with each visit: missing documents, missed appointments, and an inability to explain what he was there to do. My teammates and I were able to help him with a few tasks, but we were always on edge, not knowing which Simon we would face. 

Reluctant Helper

With my consultation completed, I headed downstairs to rejoin my wife. Unaccustomed to the parking lot, she headed towards an exit further down the complex, exited, and turned onto the main road leading us back home. As we headed north, I spotted Simon shuffling down the sidewalk, heading away from the office we had just left. It seemed odd since the medical complex had plenty of parking and easy access to public transportation. 

So why was he heading further away?

I realized that, like him or not, Simon seemed to need help or a quick check to see if he was in trouble. Should we turn back? A short moment of indecision was soon followed by an aggressive U-turn , and there he was. My wife let me out of the car and pulled into a parking lot to wait.

The Woman

I walked back and met Simon, but he was not alone. His new companion was an older woman walking a bicycle laden with what appeared to be her worldly possessions. They were engaged in conversation, which I couldn’t quite hear. I called out, “Simon, is that you?” He looked at me, but there was no recognition. The woman asked if I knew him, and I responded, ‘Yes, we live in the same town.” Simon then asked my name and how he knew me, clearly struggling to connect the dots. I explained to him where we met, then where I work, and something registered. I asked a few soft questions to ascertain his condition and ability to care for himself.

During this exchange, the woman watched us closely, again asking how I knew Simon. She explained how she was helping him locate his car and would walk with him until he found it. I realized she was trying to help him and was not keen to leave him with another stranger. I assured her I would help Simon find his way and that she didn’t need to worry. She watched warily as Simon and I continued down the road.

A Long Walk

As we walked, Simon kept repeating things to me, explaining, as if talking to a dull student, exactly where we were headed. He was as much a petulant child as a frightened elderly man trying to find his way home. I found myself acting as a caregiver, holding his arm as we navigated rough patches of sidewalk and busy intersections. He shared why, running late, he parked half a mile from the medical offices but couldn’t find the building where he thought he was supposed to be. He was baffled by the nurse he swore he did not know but who knew all about him. I flashed back to an overheard phone conversation with the receptionist, giving directions and encouragement to someone on the other end of the line.

He spoke of a postman who wouldn’t help him and students who didn’t even acknowledge his requests for assistance.  

We walked on, Simon confidently describing his car’s year, make, color, and Rotary sticker. He  kept saying “404” and “just past the Jack In The Box.” I knew where the fast food place was, so on we trundled: Simon, an old confused fellow, and me, a not-young man, wondering why we were on this path together.

And there it was. Just past the Jack In The Box, a few steps down the side street. A small motel with the number 404 on the front. The car sat at the far end of the lot, just as described. I asked him if that was his car, and he responded by raising the key fob clutched in his hand. The lights blinked, confirming success. As we got closer, I saw the Rotary sticker affixed to the rear passenger window, as he had described. The car sat unlocked, and the driver’s window rolled down. Simon stared at it, then at me, and said, “The window is open. Did I leave it open?” Then, “Tell me your name. How do you know me?”

I was concerned about him getting behind the wheel and driving the thirty miles back to our village. He answered my doubts by describing his route: exit the parking lot, turn right onto Santa Rosa Street, and head straight north until home. And he was right. So I said goodbye and wished him well.

I walked up the short hill to the corner where 404 and Jack In The Box faced each other and waited. After a few minutes, the beige Toyota appeared, turned right, and drove slowly past me. Simon, hands at ten and two, eyes straight ahead, was on his way home. Maybe a guardian angel sat, invisible, helping him navigate the scenic road back to what I think of as heaven on earth. Or perhaps he just had great luck. Either way is fine with me.

Reflection

As I walked back to where my wife was waiting, my mind spun. Why did I avoid Simon at the doctor’s office? Why did we take a different exit from the parking lot? Why was I so reluctant to go back and check on him? What changed on the walk? And how do I reconcile all these questions, doubts, and painful awareness of my bias?

I don’t practice a particular faith, but two parables come to mind. First, was this my road to Damascus moment, where my blindness lifted, and I immediately became a new person with a passion for doing good works? Yeah, no. I was responding to my moral compass.

The second parable rings more true. Though the priest and the businessman were replaced by some callous students and a harried postman, a Good Samaritan did indeed appear, offered aid and comfort, and watched over Simon as he went on his way.

I wish I knew her name.

The Augary of Beauty’s Demise

Karen Sorensen, Artist

Novella

07 Thursday Dec 2023

Posted by in Communicating, Dreams and Reality, Words matter

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In my novella
you are the pain.
In yours, it is me.

My notebook
empty spaces
where answers should be.

Your notebook
raging scratch-outs
more like gashes.

We start
a new paragraph
rearrange the words.

In our story
the ending
stays the same.

Someday
we might lay down
this terrible sword
disguised as a pen.

Escort To Heaven

13 Monday Nov 2023

Posted by in Words matter

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Who Will Escort Me to Heaven?
As I go to my next,
will I lean forward,
or cling to those around me
grasping for more
time,
love,
hope.

I know heaven
in the eyes of
my wife,
my children,
my friends.
The chorus of so many songs
and the silence that follows a final note.
That is enough.

If asked to escort another,
I will sing
or sit silent.
Offer comfort
or shoulder a fear,
until there is no more.
That is enough.

Should I go alone,
I will share
a wave,
a tear,
and a smile.
If that is all,
that is enough.

Macy’s Window

28 Thursday Sep 2023

Posted by in Communicating, Humor, Words matter

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These, indeed, are the times that try every pronoun’s soul.

Since the beginning of time, slogans, catchphrases, and, nowadays, memes worm into the collective consciousness of the masses. A good many of them are deliberate, purpose-driven creations meant to trigger a response.
But what about the non-specific sayings and catchphrases that seem to come from the deep unknown?

Retail

These two may be regional, harkening back to my youth in The Bronx. Uttered mainly by older people, the expression “You can kiss my ass in Macy’s window!” was the button on any argument. This silly retort shares a memory shelf with another gem, tailor-made for a nosy or overly personal inquiry; “Does Macy’s tell Gimbels?”

I guess Macy’s was a bigger arbiter of neighborhood disagreements than I realized.

These well-aged anachronisms randomly pop into my head, loosing an amused chuckle that turns melancholic. An internal newsreel flickers with faded faces of neighborhood harridans, kvetching about nothing important.

Logic

Remember these silly pseudo-syllogisms? “If all your friends jumped off the Empire State Building, would you do it too?” Or “Finish your dinner; there are starving kids in Africa!!”

I don’t remember troops of kids defiantly rattling plates of uneaten lima beans as they leaped from the Empire State Building. I’m sure the New York Post or the Daily News would have covered such a sensational story.

Sadly, kids had only one universal retort – “You’re not the boss of me!!!” That defiance rarely had the outcome the put-upon child expected.

Who’s The Boss?

The nuns told us we were “bold as brass!!!” Really? Brass is bold? Who knew?

Parents and other authority figures growled, “Because I said so, that’s why!!!” or “I’ll give you something to cry about!” Way to open those safe, trusting discussions and teaching moments!

And then, when all patience is exhausted, the ominous “Wait til your father gets home!!!” Boy, that’s a lot of pressure to put on a patriarch who probably just wanted to chill out after a tough day. I can understand why some fathers decided not to come home, at least not straight away. On a positive note, this unsettling dynamic likely created an excellent source of income for generations of therapists who strove to unravel the eternal struggle between fathers and their children. Another profession that benefitted from this threat? – Bartenders. Same sympathetic ear but no couch.

Nope

In today’s age of hyperbolic claims, rancid with cries of “fake news,” wild, exaggerated, and blatantly false claims rain down sans fact or evidence. We all can reel off a dozen examples that illustrate this point. And guess what? We can all point to examples where what is “true” can diametrically oppose what is fact. And that is a problem. These, indeed, are the times that try my soul.

All I can say to the nonsense is, “Don’t piss on my neck and tell me it’s raining.”

Why Change?

31 Monday Jul 2023

Posted by in Beautiful Cambria, PROS Commision, Words matter

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The Cambria Community Services District has proposed retiring the Parks, Recreation, and Open Space Commission (PROS) and replacing it with a Standing Committee. As vaguely defined in the Board discussion of July 20th, the objective is to bring PROS in line with the other existing standing committees. The benefits of this structure will be, uh, umm, er, – well, I’m not sure there are any. 

As a critic and a supporter of the PROS Commission, I admire the passion of past and current Commissioners to protect and nurture the areas under the PROS charter. 

However…

The problem has been the lack of tangible action that stems from the Commission not having a clear, easily understood charter supported by a set of policies and authorities linked to a primary mission.

Over the past year, new participants have brought momentum to PROS activities, barbering issues down to an identifiable set of actions and finding success despite the absence of a healthy organizational structure and governance.

Good, but not sustainable. Hence, the proposed change to the PROS raison d’etre.

What’s The Goal? 

What changes with this realignment? What problems are solved? There may be some administrative improvements, but how will this conformity improve the practical operation of an unfunded, murkily defined, and under-resourced organization?

Is the cart being placed before the horse?

Clarity brings Clarity 

The Board should invest in an organizational expert to address these complexities. Simply put, the rasher of maps, plans, documents, and rules and requirements built up over the life of PROS needs untangling, simplifying, and memorializing so everyone who wants to understand the rules can go to a single, vetted, accurate source.  Create a simple, clean set of responsibilities, define an organizational structure to manage against those responsibilities, and implement a governance model.

A Road Map

A good start would be to take each component of the organization’s title and articulate a set of definitions for each subset.

  • What are Parks?
  • What is Recreation?
  • What is Open Space?
  • What exists today?
  • What is the desired future state?
  • What are the requirements for successfully managing each of the areas?
  • What are the funding sources for each practice?

  • Who functionally manages these departments?
  • Who manages all the interdependencies, complexities, and competing objectives of each function?
  • Who manages the critical knowledge base and oversight required by outside agencies, existing authorities, and future project opportunities?
  • How will the existing plans and obligations be examined, integrated, tossed aside, or restructured?
  • How will budgeting and fiscal oversight be managed?

And on it goes.

Whatever structure – Commission, Committee, Legal and Defined Parks and Recreation department- must be thoroughly reviewed and put before the public before moving forward.

In The Meantime

Interested citizens can attend the next PROS meeting and see where current projects and activities stand. The session is Tuesday, August 1st, at 10:00 am at the Vet’s Hall. The meeting will also be accessible via Zoom. For Agenda and Zoom links, visit the CCSD Website HERE.

Upcoming August 10th and 17th CCSD Board meetings will have the proposed changes on the agenda. Board schedules appear on the CCSD Website under the Calendar section.

Because You Never Know

23 Friday Jun 2023

Posted by in Community Involvement, Friendship, Living Our Values, Words matter

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I’ve been thinking about our dear friend Cindy Steidel, volunteer and passionate supporter of all the good that makes Cambria a shining community. There is a long list of things that add up to the legacy of the person I came to know through her public service. Her fairness, diligence, quiet determination, and overall compassion, displayed under the pressure of her elected office, were at times inspiring, humorous, and occasionally aggravating but always thoughtful. She listened carefully and respectfully. I can think of no one more prepared, informed, and willing to engage in profound discourse on matters critical to the town’s future and all who call it home.


Cindy, to her credit, was not shy about identifying bad behavior and would occasionally push back against abusive comments and personal attacks against herself, her fellow elected Board members, and the staff that keeps Beautiful Cambria functioning. Though some found her adherence to order and decorum to be heavy-handed, she applied the guidelines equally, to the chagrin of some who enjoyed setting their own rules. Cindy had the temerity to tell me my three minutes of public comment time was up!


Outside the noisy bubble of public office, Cindy was hilarious, engaging in conversation, and a bit bawdy at times, but always filled with the insatiable drive to service. Every mutual friend I’ve seen since she left us has said similar things. Nobody shared anything but love for the woman who always showed up. Cindy didn’t have enemies, just friends with who she occasionally disagreed. She told me, firmly yet nicely, that the cake portion of the Memorial Day meal was self-service! A hug followed, then a whispered “I miss our conversations” and a promise to call.

And that was it.

Good morning!
Where there is a community, there is Cindy demonstrating the values of service and caring. Even we old folks need role models, reminders, quiet leaders, and doers. Thank you for all you do.
MC


Very generous words, Michael; thank you so much. Being an old folk myself and often in need of a “being quiet” reminder, your words are much valued.
Best, Cindy

Our final email exchange.

Cindy has gone on her next adventure. I hope we share small bits of her character, loving heart, and passion for service wherever we meet.

Words Matter

09 Friday Jun 2023

Posted by in Catholic Faith, Communicating, Words matter

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In “Doubt, a Parable”, a seething Father Flynn delivers his weekly sermon from the Sunday pulpit. He adapts an old folktale to defend himself from those he believes are trying to destroy him.

A woman was gossiping with her friend about a man whom they hardly knew – I know none of you have ever done this. That night, she had a dream: a great hand appeared over her and pointed down on her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O’ Rourke, and she told him the whole thing. ‘Is gossiping a sin?’ she asked the old man. ‘Was that God All Mighty’s hand pointing down at me? Should I ask for your absolution? Father, have I done something wrong?’ ‘Yes,’ Father O’ Rourke answered her. ‘Yes, you ignorant, badly-brought-up female. You have blamed false witness on your neighbor. You played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed.’ So, the woman said she was sorry, and asked for forgiveness. ‘Not so fast,’ says O’ Rourke. ‘I want you to go home, take a pillow upon your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me.’ So, the woman went home: took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to her roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed. ‘Did you gut the pillow with a knife?’ he says. ‘Yes, Father.’ ‘And what were the results?’ ‘Feathers,’ she said. ‘Feathers?’ he repeated. ‘Feathers; everywhere, Father.’ ‘Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out onto the wind,’ ‘Well,’ she said, ‘it can’t be done. I don’t know where they went. The wind took them all over.’ ‘And that,’ said Father O’ Rourke, ‘is gossip!”

Father Flynn’s sermon from “Doubt, a Parable” by John Patrick Shanley

Sometimes we are the feather, sometimes the wind.

We feel pain. We cause pain.

Fear, anger, ignorance, and cruelty. Love as resonance, or dissonance.

Our words matter. To each other, and to ourselves.

Our Words Matter.

Doubt, with Philip Seymour Hoffman, Meryl Streep, Viola Davis, Amy Adams

Positive Steps For Active Recreation

03 Monday Apr 2023

Posted by in Beautiful Cambria, Community Involvement, Living Our Values, PROS Commision, Social Responsibility, Words matter

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The Parks, Recreation, and Open Space ad hoc team continues to move forward with discussion and action on finding activities to enhance the recreation options in the area of the East Fiscalini Ranch designated for a community park. Though there have been many suggested uses, along with a well-researched Master Plan, not much has happened outside the development of the dog park.

The committee has taken an open and inclusive approach to revisit the possibilities for the land, actively engaging with and seeking input from every corner of the community. Over the past months participation in community meetings has grown, attracting interested and concerned residents into the discussion. The overarching philosophy of the ad hoc is – every voice matters, and every concern or suggestion is captured and discussed. The results, to my eye, have been terrific.

The forum takes on the concerns in a collaborative, positive way, with questions encouraged, responses backed with facts and data, with none of the harshness and pugnacious attitudes often seen in public discourse. I leave the meetings recharged, believing that things can happen without frivolous conflict.

Such was the outcome of the meeting held on Saturday, April 1, at the Chamber of Commerce building. Community members took the lead in further defining three main project opportunities. They presented what the projects are, what they could reasonably cost, and how they would fit into the footprint of the designated area.

Community member Shannon Sutherland led the discussion on exercise stations. Shannon did fantastic research, contacting various manufacturers and providers of such stations. Options discussed included everything from simple, pressure-treated, build-it-yourself stations to powder-coated metal fixtures and extruded, molded resin modules. Each option has plusses and minuses, and as the conversation moves forward within the PROS Commission, it will be refined and shared with the community and the CCSD Board.

Community members Mark and Susan Garman presented their work on the proposed Disc (frisbee) Golf course. The enthusiastic pair have invested a good amount of their time visiting systems around the county and brought a collection of photographs and descriptions of styles and materials used to build and maintain different-sized options. It was clarifying to see the pictures, as they demonstrated the ease of integrating this low-impact, environmentally sensitive, and accessible sport into the existing natural beauty of the East Ranch. The Garman’s research also included a first-pass look at potential costs for a course’s design, build, and maintenance. The figures are subject to change after a more detailed review by a course designer and all the appropriate staff to ensure compliance with the existing EIR and use conditions.

PROS Commissioner Kermit Johanson presented his findings and recommendations for enhancing the existing trails to accommodate runners and ensure ADA compliance. He shared a color-coded topographical map showing where the enhancements would fall within the existing footprint and a rough estimate of cost and effort based on configuration, materials, and labor sources.

Each presenter fielded questions and concerns and, in collaboration with the PROS ad hoc members, will present the information to the full PROS Commission, get input, and formulate a unified presentation to the CCSD Board and the public at an upcoming Board meeting.

After all the presentations and discussions, the attendees were asked – Do you support moving forward with the next steps for the proposed projects? Every hand went up in favor, including representatives of the CCSD Board, Beautify Cambria, Cambria Community Council, concerned residents from the surrounding neighborhood, members of the business community, and long-time residents and parents. 

The PROS Commission will hold its regularly scheduled meeting on Tuesday, April 4, at 10:00 am at the Vet’s Hall. The session will also be available via ZOOM.

 https://us06web.zoom.us/j/89840296865?pwd=a0tmRUM3NVFpTXZIcWFZeUU4THU0QT09

Everyone is invited and encouraged to join in, listen, question, and share ideas. 

Questions and thoughts can also be sent to the ad hoc group at

getoutdoorsadhocrec@gmail.com.

Beautiful Cambria in action.

CAMBRIA PROS COMMISSION Turning Ideas To Action

16 Thursday Feb 2023

Posted by in Beautiful Cambria, Cambria CCSD, Educating a Community, Local politics, PROS Commision, Skate Park, Words matter

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Beautiful Cambria is home to a diverse range of people, from toddlers to seniors, long-time residents, new arrivals, and a healthy stream of visitors drawn to this special place and a community that embraces and protects the natural beauty and uniqueness of the environment. Cambria is also home to rare and sensitive species and habitats that must be protected. Balancing the needs of all, and using the resources and open spaces under the care of the Cambria Community Services District wisely, is a serious responsibility.

The Parks, Recreation, and Open Space Commission (PROS) advises and assists the Cambria Community Service District Board of Directors with identifying potential issues and opportunities to manage and advance the uses of Cambria’s open space.

PROS is looking for projects to increase Cambria’s outdoor recreation options. The current focus is on the East Fiscalini Ranch, which is home to Cambria Dog Park. The Commission has put together an ad hoc committee to gather community input on three options and drive community engagement through feedback and active participation.

The East Ranch

There are three potential projects for the East Fiscalini Ranch. Each option is low-cost, has a low environmental impact, and is accessible to a cross-section of the community.

The selection process has been thoughtful and deliberate, with PROS and community members sharing ideas on what would make good sense for the community and those who visit.

The three projects under discussion are:

  • Multi-use trails that loop around the east ranch, utilizing the existing paths. Upgrading the current trail system will give greater access to safe, easy walking, jogging, and potential light bicycle use.
  • “Exercise stations.” These popular, low-profile systems provide simple, easily accessed stops for walkers, runners, seniors, and children to stretch, do simple strength/resistance exercises, and other low-impact opportunities to enhance outdoor time.
  • Disc (Frisbee) Golf is an increasingly popular activity that requires minimal equipment and offers a self-paced, casual, or competitive activity that most people can enjoy. Options include an environmentally friendly course that offers different challenges to the casual enthusiast or more advanced player.

These three options under consideration will take advantage of the beautiful outdoor environment while being sensitive to the unique environmental characteristics of the East Ranch, as well as the concerns of the surrounding community.

Your Input Is Valued

Community input is most valuable and influential at the beginning of any project. This engagement helps get a true sense of what the community sees as beneficial and viable. It also provides an opportunity to voice concerns and objections. All feedback is welcome.

Here are a few ways to engage.

The Ad Hoc team welcomes everyone to attend an in-person meeting. The in-person gatherings have been lively, open, and very productive. The next session is Saturday, March 4th, 2023, at 9:00 a.m. in the Cambria Chamber of Commerce Conference Room, 767 Main Street.

Volunteers are manning the Farmer’s Market with information, maps, a simple, informative petition, and, most importantly, open ears.

Submit Community questions and comments via email at getoutdoorsadhocrec@gmail.com.

The next PROS meeting will be held via ZOOM and at The Veterans Memorial Hall on March 7th at 10:00 a.m. Public comment is encouraged and welcomed. Find Links and Agendas on the Cambriacsd.org website.

Updates

PROS will provide updates and information regularly through cambriaca.org

Social Media platforms will be used sparingly, generally for meeting notifications or critical updates. The goal is to foster robust community discussion without the challenges faced by unmoderated and often misinformed social media exchanges.

Once the project selection process is complete, the team will focus on the detail. Design, cost, impacts, and benefits – all the parts and pieces needed to be defined before anything moves forward. Again, the current objective is to reach a consensus on the “what” before diving into the “how.”

Consider how you would like to help shape the discussions and decisions for Cambria’s outdoor recreation. Your voice matters.

The Final Telling

26 Thursday Jan 2023

Posted by in Living Our Values, Perserverence, Words matter

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In the 2003 film “The Last Samurai,” Captain Nathan Algren is asked by the young Japanese Emperor to tell how the titular character, the Samurai Katsumoto, died. Algren responds, “I will tell you how he lived.”

How do we spend our last days and hours, especially when we know they are just that? Do we die as we lived? Are deathbed conversions a spiritual revelation, or the chemicals of the mind and body boiling together in one final fire of life? Do these fading moments reveal our true hearts?

I have seen the last hours of family and friends who knew the show was about to close. The masks dropped away, leaving the bare face that is the soul. In the last light of life, they revealed who they were across all the days they lived.

Mother

My mother’s life was very confusing to me. I can recall moments of tenderness, of humor, of fleeting kindness. But never joy. She suffered from significant physical ailments that ruined her body and her mind. She seems, in retrospect, to have been an always-angry person, bitter from multiple children and the exciting life dreamed but not lived. The diseases that tortured her were mental, physical, and spiritual. She tried to cope with prayer and alcohol, incense and cigarette smoke, and with rage, her constant accomplice. Her body twisted, and her mind followed along. Things meant to soothe her demons only excited them, letting physical and emotional violence rain down and run amok.

After many false endings, time wrote her final chapter. Facing the unknowable, she was in her last hours as she had been at her worst hours. Raging and loud, angry beyond reason, lashing out with more fierce energy than her rapidly failing body should have been able to muster. Her last breath, drawn just hours before her sixtieth birthday, did not call out to God but rather goddamn you all. So, for all the mercy and understanding, the darkness won.

Sister

My sister followed my mother a few short months later. Anne Marie was a funny, kind, beautiful soul who, at the young age of thirty-two, was stricken with an unusual and cruel illness that appeared suddenly and relentlessly stole her body, but never her spirit. Her last weeks were a torture of desperate treatments and experiments intended to heal but instead just delivered more destruction. She fought as she lived, not passively but not with the outward rage shown by our mother. Her concerns were for her family, especially her two young daughters. She knew her passing would be unbearable for them. And for the brothers and sisters that stood by her bedside, fighting to make the right decisions. Though most did not believe in miracles, we wished for one.

Through it all, there were moments of great conflict, terribly unfair decisions asked of those tasked with making them, and pure dread. But from Anne Marie, there was gentle humor and compassion for we who suffered and mourned her passing.

In her last minutes, she lay peaceful, quietly breathing until there were no more breaths. I stood, with our sisters and brother-in-law, holding her hand, and felt her let go. It was devastating and beautiful. There was no darkness, just the light of a gentle soul. Nothing in my life, before or after, changed me more than that moment.

Father

My father, emotionally battered and broken by the loss of his wife and child, somehow managed to find a way forward, though his body, scarred from years of bad health, stuttered and faltered occasionally. He continued being a dad to me and pappy to his grandchildren, finding bits of happiness in the warm sun of his new home in Florida.

When his systems began to fail with greater frequency, he struggled to live in a way that didn’t upset the individual bonds that extended from parent to child. It was difficult to do, impossible really . So, in the end, he chose to fight no more and let the natural process come to him.

He lay sedated in a hospice bed, two of his daughters and I, his oldest son, sharing the watch, each of us urging him different things. In our last minutes alone I said, “You’ve done enough, so you decide when to let go.” His face, still handsome till the end, transformed from the one I had seen throughout my life into my brother’s face, revealing a familial lineage I had not recognized before. It was the only moment, aside from the sadness of the circumstance, that genuinely unnerved me. As he was shutting down, his brain, soul, spirit, whatever one believes, expressed his final protests in muted groans and fleeting grimaces.

I stepped out, realizing I needed to dash to the airport to pick up another sister who had flown down to be with him in his final hour. As I got to my car, my phone rang. He was gone. I drove to the airport, greeted my sister’s flight, and shook my head as she came down the jetway. It was over. Dad died as he lived, trying to make everything okay for everyone. He realized the impossibility and chose what was right for him. Not passive, not angry. Just accepting.

An accurate telling of how he lived can only be found through a kludged kaleidoscope of memories and interpretations. I saw, at the end, the person I always knew.

Friend

My friend and colleague Janice and I were not related, though our parallel Bronx Irish Catholic upbringings and shared values could argue that we were a part of a much larger family. Janice was smart, funny, bossy, and overly loyal to her co-workers. She was also one of the most tenacious people I have ever known, made so by the battles she fought in her unfairly short lifetime. A young widow raising three daughters, a breast cancer survivor left with lingering physical issues from that battle, Janice was ultimately thrown into an unwinnable war with pancreatic cancer. We often spoke as she underwent treatment and a brutal surgery that tortured her body and spirit. Her sadness and fears were not solely focused on her destiny. She was all about her daughters Denise, Susan, and Megan—her girls.

Janice fought on for what seemed like forever, moving from Connecticut to Boston to be with her family. On a cold and grey day, Denise, whose home became the gathering place, let me know the time was near. I drove north through an endless traffic jam and reflected on our unlikely friendship. Denise and her sisters welcomed me, and I joined them and other family members who had come together, as families do, to comfort and support each other in the fading hours. I was able to spend a very few minutes with Janice. We sped through ” I’m so sorry” and “I love you, my friend” and got to Janice’s core—her girls. She was worried for them but also sure that they would be fine after she was gone. She raised them with her spirit and courage and left them with us all after her eyes closed and her pain dissolved into the universe.

At her funeral Mass, I had the opportunity to give a short remembrance. I practiced my piece so I wouldn’t stumble too badly. I did okay until the end, when I looked up and saw her family, her girls, and choked up on my final line, “I will miss my friend.”

Unwritten Endings

In the years since these passings, I have experienced the loss of other friends, some gone quickly, others after great, almost heroic battles against an unbeatable foe. I found myself confused about my responses, often profoundly emotional for friends not seen in years. We shared a time when we couldn’t contemplate any of us dying, wandering through our lives intact until we were not so young. And then they were gone.

At the wakes, the funerals, the memorials, and the reunions, we squint to find traces of our missing friends and families in the faces and voices of the children they begat. Will they need someone to tell them how we lived? Or will they know us by how we passed?

In his last moment, surrounded by the horrors of war, the destruction of his tribe, and the end of the Samurai, Katsumoto attained the peaceful beauty of perfect cherry blossoms. Birth, death, beauty, and violence. He died as he lived.